I’m not at all certain about this new year business. In a matter of seconds, a rug that really doesn’t exist gets yanked out from under more than 7 billion feet, balls drop, expectations rise, liquids are spilled, calendars become worthless, and through all this countless numbers of cats, including mine, slept silently. And the sun, 93 million miles away from all this tumult, rose again this morning as usual.

Anyhow, it’s a new year, so they say, and it’s time to set the bar higher, so that’s what I plan to do.

1. First of all, I’m going to win the human race all by myself without making anyone else a loser.

2. After that, I’m going to start making my own water. How hard can that be? Just a couple of hydrogens and an oxygen, a little careful pressure, and presto! No more of those annoying plastic bottles!

3. Then I will rid the earth of fleas, ticks, and mosquitoes.

4. I’m going to figure out who “they” are, why they haven’t done anything about all the mess, and crack the whip on their collective ass.

5. I will invent, patent, and market a device that will never break, wear out, require expensive replacement parts, or even a warranty. It will be a resounding success. It will be fairly priced. Everyone will want it.

6. I will develop bathrooms and kitchens that clean themselves automatically and send you a text when it’s done.

7. I promise to eliminate the ancient dichotomy that exists between cat people and dog people.

8. I’ll obviate the sexism inherent in the word “history” by replacing it with the word “theirstory.”

9. I will make television so unpalatable that people will stop watching it and start talking to each other again.

10. I will conquer time and the mysteries of love. You can bet on it.